Garden
by Miarka
Summary: Ben has a nightmare about his past, Rey comforts him. Ben Solo/Rey.


Regardless of how many beds or bunks on numerous bases on countless planets Rey slept in she still couldn't shake off the history of sleeping in a small and poorly crafted hammock inside a grimy fallen AT-AT imperial walker. At night she barely took up any space, her petite form cradled into a ball in one corner of her bed. When Ben came back to her she didn't need to worry that he was so much taller than her because there would be plenty of space for him in her bed given her manner of sleeping. Except that Ben would place his tall form around and over her, encasing her body in his own, she never once complained. Between them much of their bed space went unused.

So Rey awoke instantly one night when Ben wasn't curled around her. Rolling over and touching the place beside her, it was still warm, and damp with sweat. Rey found him outside, in the little rooftop garden she'd built up for herself. He was quivering and panting, but obviously trying to control it, his body was glistening and slick, his dark hair matted, tumbling into his eyes. He turned suddenly when he caught her form approaching, eyes alert, as if he expected someone other than her there.

"A nightmare?" Rey asked.

"Or worse." Ben muttered bitterly, his breathing now within his command. He paused, tilting his head back and shaking the hair from his eyes, gasping at the night air. "It was like I used have as a child."

"When Snoke.." Rey started then trailed off.

Ben did his best to hide his reaction, no flinching, no tensioning of the skin, but it didn't work on Rey, she saw it in his eyes.

"I'm sorry." She mumbled. "But it was a dream, Ben, nothing more. They can't hurt you now, they're gone, just ghosts in your mind."

"But they are in my mind, Rey, exactly. Their words and whispers gnawing inside me." Ben's voice was simultaneously cold and heated, desperate, his eyes growing wilder by the instant.

"Shh." Rey breathed, cupping a hand to his check. She sat by him on the garden wall, swinging one leg over each side. "Ben there is darkness in your past, I have never asked you to deny it, I have never asked you to be perfect for me."

"I'm sorry." He shook his head. "But you are so perfect, the most perfect…sometimes I feel I'll never be good enough, that we're always doomed."

"No, don't do that to yourself." Rey said softly. She thought back, to place that was a stark contrast to the warm starlit garden they sat in, to icy world with snow dancing round her form, her face lit by the blue glow of a lightsaber in her hand, and the red beams of another stuttering saber, held by a man cloaked in black. "I fell in love with a broken boy caught by the dark side. Your past is still there, it's not going to change, no matter how much you wish it would."

Rey sighed, edging a little towards him. He instinctively pulled her close, his hands on her waist, her own hands slipping onto his shoulders. "And there will always be darkness in the galaxy. It's been countless time before, it's quieter now, but it will be back, maybe in our lifetime, maybe in others. I can't see when, but I know eventually, it is imminent. And the dark side may triumph, but not for long, the light will win, and the cycle will begin again."

Ben frowned, tears almost sparking in his eyes. "Don't you want to be free, of the pain, of the dark side?"

"Yes." Rey answered, without hesitation. "But like your own past, Ben, the galaxy will always have imperfections. I've come to reconcile with that fact. I know as part of the few remaining jedi we are supposed to strive to bring balance to the force and end the dark side. But I can't help thinking that part of that balance in acknowledging the dark side. That it is as constant as the light. Ben," Rey sighed, holding his face within her palms. "I think your fight is not against the dark side's existence, it is with yourself. The darkness doesn't matter, what matters is that we know we are better, that we do not fall, that we aren't corrupted by the power. So long as we know that the dark side can't claim us, and we our upmost to help others who are tempted, then the dark side is powerless, and we are deserving of the jedi title."

"Thank you." Ben gasped, the colour was back in his cheeks, and a smile played in the corners of his lips.

After a long speech Rey didn't have words anymore, so she bent as kissed him, lightly, and when she found him kissing back and deepening she didn't pull away. When they broke he leaned into her, enclosing her form around his and closing his eyes, taking everything in. The smell of her hair, her sleepy clothes, the night air, the herbs and flowers surrounding them. It was all so clear to him that this is where he was meant to be.

"Come to bed." She whispered, climbing off him.

Ben swallowed and nodded, taking the hand she offered him.

It didn't take long for Rey to fall asleep, bundled up with Ben curled around her. He forced himself to stay awake. He was ultimately still afraid, but it was different now. He wasn't ashamed. There was good reason to fear the dark side, so long as it didn't get the better of him. And he knew it wouldn't, he'd been there already, he wasn't going back. Ben found himself contemplating his life, realising there was fear and shame he'd been denying. He'd felt he didn't deserve any of this, Rey, a family, forgiveness, not after everything he'd done. But Rey was right, his past wasn't going to just vanish no matter how much he wanted that. He'd done dark deeds, but that couldn't helped now, what good would fighting ghosts do. What mattered was that he was better than the person he'd once been, what mattered was he was better than the dark side."


End file.
